wakey wakey hands off snakey
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
