Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
