we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
