A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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