Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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