My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
