I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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