I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
