You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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