It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
