Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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