My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i now understand why vodka
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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