Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
