he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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