Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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