Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
