get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
