I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
