Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
