Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
