Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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