Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
