Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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