How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
