I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
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Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
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Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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