Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
