These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
