allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
50% drunk capacity currently
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
