our cab driver is having phone sex.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
