hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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