I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
too bad you live with your parents still
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
