Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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