I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
