My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
