did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
