Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
