dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
