yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
