Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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