I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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