My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
