life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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