and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
