no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
