he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
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Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
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Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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