Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
