How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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