i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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