she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
