there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
