my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
So squirting runs in the family.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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