i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My feet surprised me
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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