Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
