Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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