So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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