My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
